Our New Beginning

Life takes many twists and turns. We can't control what is thrown at us. We can, however, control how we react and handle the situations.

I am all to familiar with the roller coaster life and how it can be. In my last marriage there were ups and downs of course, but making that decision to finally call it quits.. Well I just felt like I was speeding down fast with no control wanting to get off the ride. If anyone has been through a divorce you know how emotionally exhausting it can be. Fighting over everything it seems, tearing each other apart even more than you did when you were married. Divorce isn't something you intend to happen, it is the final step in ending something that isn't working out. As I was going through the process of getting divorced I moved back home. For someone that has been on their own since 18 moving home was NOT exactly where I wanted to go, but funds were tight and I needed help to get back on me feet. I am so very thankful to have had that option and to have had the support from my parents.

Fast forward a little to that lovely thing we call dating. Last time I dated at this point was back in High School it is now about 10 years later. What a nightmare!! I hated dating! I enjoyed being single to tell you the truth. I got to do what I wanted, go where I wanted. It was only me spending my money and I had more of it than I ever had being married. I was able to start saving for trips and fun things. I had lost some weight and could buy cute, fun clothes, the only down side was the dating. Some dates I had been on were fun, good guys. But truthfully, It was hard to find one of the "good guys". The stories I could tell you in my short stint would be almost unbelievable. So I decided to not date and see what happened. Dating was almost as much if not more drama than my divorce.

My dad liked to give me a hard time asking me, "No more fish in the Sea?" I would laugh and say, "nope not tonight I am hanging with the family". My sister would complain that there were no more left overs to steal from the fridge. My mom, well I think she just enjoyed having me around. I hadn't hung out much with them the last couple of years so I was now making up for lost time. Around this time a friend was going through his own divorce, he had a couple kids and he needed help with them. I remember one occasion where he had a meeting that night and I was babysitting, but there was no food in the house so I made him take me to buy something for the kids. As we were leaving the store he made a remark about getting married again. I was blown away. I thought, here is this guy that is going through his own divorce, it is still raw, still fresh and he is thinking of getting married again? WOW!! Here I am its been awhile for me and I am thinking "HELL NO! Not getting married again EVER." I asked him how in the world could he even entertain the idea of getting married again after all he has been through. In his quiet little way he looked at me and said, "How can you not? I still want the dream they all talk about. The kids the loving wife with a home." Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit here, I can't remember the exact words, but that was the message that got across to me. I instantly shut up and on the ride back to his house I thought of his words. Of course thinking of what he was saying made me realize I would have to put on my big girl pants and go back out into the dating scene.

After chewing on the thought of dating again I decided to call up someone that had asked me out before. I figured If I was going to start dating again I wanted to control it better this time around. I wanted to start with someone I had dated before. We set up a date, then I cancelled. We set something else up and I cancelled again. I knew the reason was because I didn't want to go out with this guy. He was nice and kind, but he wasn't someone I saw a future with. Not that I was still sure on the thought of getting married again, but I didn't want to waste my time dating a different guy each week. My friend and I would talk about the different events going on in our life. We would seek advice from each other and turn to one another if we had a problem. In turn I think I watched his kids quite often. :) I started getting invited to his sons basketball games. One night after one of the games we were talking and the topic of us dating each other came up. We weren't sure if we should give it a shot considering our background. But the idea had been put out there. I wasn't against the idea just unsure how it would turn out. Kids were involved and it was one thing being there as a friend to help, but something entirely different to be there dating their dad. I didn't want to hurt them anymore than they had already been hurt. When I was dating in the past I knew that I would most likely be a step-mom, if I were to get married. The guys I was dating were in their 30's, divorced, kids. I didn't object to eventually being a step-mom I just figured the road was going to be more challenging than with someone else. My friend was a sweet, funny, kind guy and a total catch. I was blown away that he saw me as someone he would date. After throwing the idea around a few different times and weighing out the pro's and con's, we figured to give dating a try, but we would try it out on the down low at first. Wouldn't change things around much as far as the kids went. Because if it didn't work then only the two of us would know we even tried.

After dating for a little while we realized that we were more compatible than we had thought. So he decided to talk to the kids and see how they felt about me and if they would be opposed to us dating, we wanted to be able to do it openly. Hoping that they wouldn't object. From what I was told then they were both ok with it, I later found out his son had a few concerns at the time, not because of me, but because his dads attention was somewhere else. We did most our dating at home. With him having sole custody of his kids it made it difficult to take a group of 4 out anywhere. Not to mention, you can't do many of the adult things with children around. In turn it made those moments where it was just us that much more special. We never got to the point of taking our time for granted. We cherished and had fun when it was with the kids and cherished and loved the moments it was just the two of us. Our relationship kept progressing. There were still the trials that came up, outsiders that we had to deal with. The people that were unhappy about our relationship. It got rocky and tough from time to time, in the beginning the thought that, "maybe we should walk away" would come up, but we both didn't have the desire to walk away. We saw in each other what he had always hoped for in a partner. We didn't want the outside world to take that away from us. I later moved in with him and the kids. It took a bit of adjusting, but it went smoother than I thought it would. Like it had always been that way. Sometimes I felt like the outsider because of the bond and time they have had with one another. But I loved seeing the relationship between them. I didn't want that to change instead I just vowed to join them. I have noticed in a few different dynamics that the "new wife/husband" comes in and doesn't want to feel like the outsider so she/he will alienate the kids to make them be the outsider. This isn't always done intentionally, but sadly, sometimes it is. I didn't want to do this to them, but I wasn't going to remain an outsider, my sanity was at stake, so I had to find a way that worked for all of us to squeeze in and be part of the group without pushing anyone out. I think we have done a good job at making it work.

We built a house, the kids got to give some input with their rooms. Most importantly, we have made it a home for all of us. It may not have been the most conventional of starts, but I love my family. My friend and I became best friends and husband and wife. In the last 2 years I have fallen asleep every night in his arms and been able to wake up their too. I received a challenge when I was married before to write my ideal relationship and dreams down. Give myself a guideline/list of sorts to strive for and look for in a spouse/relationship. Not in the; he needs muscles, nice smile, money, kind of way, but in the, a home, a partnership, equality, love, kind of way. I didn't want to do the challenge, but I broke down and did it one night in the car as I was driving to escape the sadness I was feeling. My ideal relationship has now come true, we are always reminded by the list to be the best person we can be for ourselves and each other ways to build on what we have, ways to expand our dreams and reach for the stars!

With two beautiful, kind, caring kids and our own guardian angel looking out for us we will ride this roller coaster of life together through the parts where we are begging to get off the ride; to the parts where we want to ride again.