Mother's Day 2012 was what I consider to be my first Mother's Day, however I was not recognized as a mother to anyone. My husband and I weren't married at that time. But, we were living together and I had been helping him raise his two children for close to a year at that time. On this day though they are legally required to go to the biological mom as per the state statute. Don't get me wrong I understand that she is their biolgical mom and should spend time with them. But, I'll admit It was hard watching them leave. It hurt, knowing I am not their biological mom, yet still doing all the things for them a mom does, with no recognition from the kids, or anyone else at that time, because I wasn't technically a step-mom yet and because I didn't give birth to them. I didn't blame the kids though. There was no recognition from the adults and if they adults dont recognize something then the kids aren't likely to either. I was heart broken. My first Mother's day was a dud and I dreaded from that moment the next mother's day fearing it would be the same.
Then I got pregnant and I was figuring hey now that I will have my own biological child the state can't make me give him up to spend mother's day with someone else. It still sucked that the two kids I was helping raise would not be around yet again and I would have to watch them go off for the day wishing we could celebrate together as a family, but I would have one child to celebrate with at least. It is hard to watch half of your family leave on certain issued Holiday's because the state mandates it. However, that is a different post at a different time. Anyway, I finally was starting to think Mother's Day wasn't all bad I would have at least one child with me. But, my little boy was in a hurry and came to soon. And I had to watch him grow his wings. My son Jayden was born and died April 26th, 2013. I then had to go through another Mother's Day feeling yet again that I wouldn't be recognized. A week later we buried him The week after that was Mother's Day. This time I did not want to even acknowledge that day even existed. I wanted to hide away in my room and not come out. The one child that the state couldn't have spend Mother's Day with someone else and "take" away God did. I didn't want to deal with the pain of not having any of my children around me to celebrate with me. I didn't want to sit around hearing everyone else be wished a Happy Mother's Day. I didn't want to see all the sweet poem's and posts to everyone else. Mother's Day was celebrated originally for a mom that had lost one of her children to honor her for her loss. It has now been commercialized to the brink to honor moms with living, biological children, while so many other mom's, like Step Mom's, Angel mom's, women who struggle with infertility watch and wish they could join in on the festivities.
However, Travis and his family didn't allow me to wallow in my self pity. They knew the kids would leave on Sunday as the law stated. So they got together and planned a celebration on Saturday. They knew this year would be even harder than the year before. So they did all they could to help ease the ache and the pain. My sister-in-law had heard about people getting a tree planted in memory of their angel and passed along the idea to my husband and his parents. My in-law's bought me a tree. My father-in-law took us down to pick it out. We had always wanted to plant a Japanese Maple tree in our yard. We hadn't gotten around to landscaping it as we moved in last winter. So our tree would be our first item in our new yard. We picked a spot and I watched as my poor father-in-law and husband dug through the hard clay to plant this tree in honor of our son. I went in to get our camera so I could take photos. I was overwhelmed at the kindness and love shown to me. As I was taking pictures of my new tree a ladybug landed on me. I had always heard ladybugs were good luck, but I never thought to look much further than that tidbit of information I stored away from long ago. I gently coaxed the ladybug onto a leaf of the tree and took a picture of it. Several times since, I have seen ladybugs while I am outside doing different things. Sometimes when I am out looking at my tree having a hard time and trying to get a moment alone to talk to my son or at the store seeing a little boy running around with frazeled parents chasing him. I finally decided to research a little and find out exactly what the ladybug symbolized. I took what I learned and wrote this poem.
I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support they have shown. I can not believe how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family which has now been blessed and made more wonderful by the great in laws I have inherited. They have truly added to my life!
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