Missing you both!

Words can’t describe exactly what I am feeling and wanting to say. I have noticed that expressing myself and my true feelings has become harder and harder.  I try to share my thoughts and feelings, but it doesn’t feel like I share what I am truly feeling deep down. Sometimes I hold back because people don't know how to handle the raw truth other times expressing such raw pain isn't even possible. If I could express myself clearly and accurately what would I say, how would others react? A hole in the heart doesn’t fill in, it is always there, but you learn to live around it. There will always be moments that come up and you are thrust into the hole again feeling the pain.

I’ve been working on an altered book, that is supposed to help express, in art, what I am truly feeling. We will see how that goes. I have had some help in realizing that with everything going on around me and my family I need to be the “Eye of the storm.” Do what I can to stay calm and keep peace within myself so that I can keep stability and calmness within my family, while the world, and things we cannot control, come through like tornados and toss us all around like rag dolls.  

8 years ago today, my sweet little niece left this earth. It was sudden and unexpected; an accident that forever changed our family. At 20 months old this sweet spirit was gone. No more laughter, and cute animal sounds. No more hearing her talk. I have said it before and I will say it again. Never getting the chance to hear her say my name is a huge regret I have. I was lucky enough at one point to dream of her a couple years back on my birthday. I heard her say my name in my dream, but being that it has been several years I don’t remember how it sounded. I remember her trying to say Teletubbies, butterfly or mimic all the animal sounds she could and laughing whenever she would “neigh” like a horse. I watch my sister (8) and daughter (10) who are best friends and love to play with each other and think that they are missing the third musketeer. I wonder if the three of them would be inseparable, just as the two are and being angry that she isn’t here, that we don’t get to know for sure. My sister and daughter talk about Alexis all the time, they ask about her constantly. I am so very thankful that they think of her as often as we do, especially since they never got the chance to know her while she was alive, but only through the memories the rest of us have. It just goes to show we can keep those we love alive through each of us.  

I remember the day I got the call very well. I remember going to the store and forgetting my cell phone at home. I remember thinking no big deal no one calls me anyway. I remember going home and having many missed calls and messages from my family and knowing something was wrong. I remember driving like crazy to get up to Primary Children’s Hospital. I remember the next 12 hours felt like an eternity and hurting and crying and being angry and wondering why. I felt like I lost more than a niece. She was a huge part of my life at the time. I remember my pain and feeling so horrible for my brother and his girlfriend. Knowing that their pain was worse than mine.  Even now, 8 years later I still remember her and that time like it was yesterday. Like 8 years hasn’t passed like she is frozen in time as that vibrant toddler so full of life, laughter and happiness.

I never thought I too would lose a child. I feel horrible in saying it, but I figured I experienced the loss of a child, loved one, once I wouldn’t have to go through it again. I lost a niece I could never lose a child. I knew what loss was so I felt invisible or untouchable to think it would happen to me. But it did. I didn’t get the memories with my own child that I got with Alexis. I wish like crazy that I got more memoreies of both of them. I feel like I am trying to watch a DVD, but instead of being able to push play I only get the menu options on repeat over and over again. Knowing there was an entire movie at my fingertips that will never be played out. I wish I could hear my own son make the animal sounds, call me mom, give me hugs. I wish I got the ability to write down his first tooth and haircut in his baby book. I wish that I got a photograph of his first smile, first steps. I wish I could hear his giggle, his cry. Instead I see an empty baby book. I remember a birth where the only sound was my husband and I crying holding our son praying for a miracle. I have photographs of his casket and the cemetery not of his crib and his nursery. I do have memories and photos of my son that I cherish daily and am thankful to have, but again they are limited and not nearly enough.

I remember finding out I was pregnant then going to the doctor and he told me my due date was 9/23/2013. My first thought was absolutely not. I will hold that baby in until the 24^th if I have to. But I will not give birth on the day Alexis died. I regret those thoughts. I would be more than happy to be in labor right now thinking of Alexis but being blessed with my own child. When I went back to the doctor he moved my date to 9/25/2013. I was happier then, but still not thrilled that it was so close to when Alexis died. Little did I know that things weren’t going to work out for me at all. Instead of going into labor and giving birth to a full term healthy baby boy in September, I gave birth to a tiny little boy to premature to live longer than 5 minutes in this world. I wish this day was a better one, I wish I was giving birth to my son. I wish this day held better memories, but instead, it is not just the day that is hard to get through but it is now the entire week. It is a week of reminders of what should have been but what will NEVER be.

Alexis and Jayden- I love you both like crazy. I miss you more than words could say. I wish you were both still here with me creating more memories for me to cherish. I will take the few memories I do have and I will continue to share them with others so that they will know you through me. I wish I could see you playing together here on earth with your cousins, aunt and siblings. I know you two are playing together in heaven watching over us. Some days that brings more comfort than others.  Children are not supposed to go before their parents. Sadly it happens more often than any of us could think. I love you both and can’t wait to give you great big hugs and kisses when I get the chance to see you again.