Halloween and the Holidays..

Holiday's seem to be the sore spot for angel mom's everywhere. I am no exception. However, what did surprise me most was the fact that I struggled with Halloween. I grew up in a home where Halloween wasn't a big deal, so I have never cared really to celebrate it or dress up. I probably stopped dressing up younger than most kids. It wasn't until just a couple years ago that I finally started to do more with Halloween. I won't lie it was when my step kids came into my life. I finally had a reason to try to get into the spirit. Helping them pick out a costume or get ready for the school parade, volunteering for their class parties. Those types of things. This year however, I started to plan for Halloween back in March. Which to me came as a total shock. Being pregnant and thinking of all the firsts I would be able to do with my own child. The things I missed out on before. I started browsing and looking for costumes for a new born. I was excited to do a theme costume this year with everyone. What could I do? I felt silly for searching so early, but I wanted to be prepared and make sure I could get what I needed to in time. I saw so many cute outfits for babies. There were so many ideas that would be fun.  But I knew that my angel would be just over a month old and didn't know if he was a girl or a boy at that time either. I then saw this cute little jumper and thought it would be perfect. It is gender neutral, and looked comfortable and appropriate for a new born. Not to mention we could easily have done the perfect theme for our family.

I was really looking forward to being able to do something as a family this year. Then Jayden grew his angel wings. I no longer would get the chance to dress him up in his "prison jumpsuit." I tried to ignore the fact that Halloween would be coming. Then it came time to buy pumpkins and do they seasonal activities. Time to hang up decorations, carve pumpkins and buy costumes for our other kids. I put on my brave face and started to look with them and help them decide what they wanted to be. We carved our pumpkins and I wanted to carve one for Jayden. I wanted so badly to include him someway without bringing everyone else down. The kids figured out what they wanted to be and we went to get their costumes. It was bittersweet when they decided to do things completely different than each other. No themed costumes for us this year.

 

I can't deny that it was a struggle to go out and trick-or-treat. It was a struggle to still be excited about Halloween. It was tempting to just stay home and not take the other two kids out this year, to let someone else do it.  As a parent to an angel child it is hard to do the family things knowing that your family isn't whole. That you are missing someone. Yet, because there are other children depending on you, you don't have very many choices; you either chose life and continue forward, or you chose death and stop living and celebrating which then affects not only you, but everyone around you. I wrote before that I chose life. So, I celebrated Halloween with the kids. I think they both looked great in their costumes. We had a good time taking them out to Grandma and Grandpa's to go trick-or-treating on 4-wheelers, a new experience for them. They also made out a little to well with all the candy. But that is just a matter of opinion I guess, to them I don't think they could have gotten enough candy.

 
 

Now that Halloween is behind us, I have been hit full force with the other holiday's. I hadn't thought much about them until now. I don't know if it was survival instinct or what. The reminder of family every time you turn around. Holiday's, that are about family, family gatherings, dinners, parties, Christmas gifts for children, Santa Claus. More reminders that our family isn't complete and that someone is missing.

 

Thanksgiving, the time to be thankful. Yes, I know I have plenty to be thankful for, and I am. But, again there is that hole that makes me want to just feel sorry for myself. To act like it is just another day. Although part of me does feel that it is just another day. With everything that has happened I look at my life and am thankful for so much daily. It isn't just one day a year or one month to find thanks in what I have been given. But to look through the rubble and the darkness and find thanks in everything that has "picked" me back up again, that has given me hope in life and to everyone that has shown me love. If I didn't find these things daily or even hourly I would have stopped living a long time ago. I lost my son, but God gave me a gift in his place. It doesn't erase the hurt, it doesn't make me miss him any less, but I feel as if I have been given the opportunity to look at things differently. Like walls have been torn down and I can see more, see some things more clearly. That I can show compassion and give everything I have for others not for myself but to make my son proud.

 

Christmas, "Baby's 1st Christmas." My baby never got a first Christmas. I will never see his eyes light up at all the Christmas lights. I will never see him trying to play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree or unwrapping his very first Christmas presents. Christmas every Angel mom's nightmare. The time where all is supposed to be good in the world. Where people show their kindness and help others. This season that has always been my favorite. The spirit of Christmas, it has been the message I have tried to show my family. Not the receiving of gifts, but the giving. It is the topic of conversations throughout every support group. How do we survive the holidays? I will never see my son enjoy that spirit. But I will get to enjoy his spirit during this time, I know he will be with us as we celebrate this season so not only do I get the spirit of Christmas. I get the spirit of Jayden too.

 

Last Christmas we started some new family traditions. This year I am expanding on our traditions and wanting to do so much more. I am probably biting off more than I can chew at this time, but to me being able to be busy and do service projects for others is my way of giving back. Is my way of honoring Jayden. Is my way of trying not to dwell on the fact that he is gone, but the ability to do everything I can in his name to give him is 1st Christmas and one he would be proud of. Is my way of sharing his spirit with everyone I can.

 

Stay tuned for the next blog post please. I will be sharing my ideas with everyone on our way to keep Jayden's spirit alive this Christmas.

 

 

 

 



Let your light shine and your hope glimmer

President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the whole month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in 1988. To give recognition to bereaved parents everywhere. Robyn Bear believed we could do more. In 2006, Congress supported Robyn Bear’s proposal to create one day of remembrance in the middle of that month.  In the resolution it sayd “each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn baby.”- H.Con.Res.222 - Supporting the goals and ideals of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. That is just in the United States, many more losses worldwide.

There are no words that can describe what it is like to lose a child.  I have often heard the quote that, “A child who loses a parent is an orphan, A person who loses their spouse is a widow/er, but there is no term to describe a parent that looses a child. There are no words strong enough.”

I have asked all my friends and family to come together and light a candle in support for anyone that has lost an infant due to SIDS, Stillbirth, miscarriage or any other reason. I am lighting a candle for the angels of those parents that have lost their precious child too soon. For those of us in this “club” that we wish we weren’t a part of. For those of us struggling to keep our angels memories alive in any way we know how.



I am lighting my candle tonight for my son Jayden, to honor his memory. I found myself in this club back in April 2013. I had no idea what was happening. I had no idea how much my world would change. I had no idea the journey that was waiting for me. I have yet to find the answers to most of my questions and I still have no idea why. I am still heading down this road in the dark. I will light my candle for others to see. To give light to anyone that needs it. Together if we all light our candles we can give light to so many that feel alone or left in the dark after such a loss. A wave of light, a glimmer of hope. Let the world know we our lighting our candles for all our angels!!  We are here to make a change.



Unapproachable

October is infant death awareness month. As a part of the awareness thing I have done many different things to try to get people to see that unfortunately child loss happens. So please, whatever you do don’t ignore those that it happens to. There is a community out there that has been trying to provide a voice to so many families. 1 in 4 families, in fact, will go through this horrible ordeal. I have been met with many obstacles along my journey. I have come to realize that more than 50% of the people out there don’t want anything to do with death. I can’t say that I blame them, who does? Unfortunately it happens, but because they want nothing to do with it I have lost more than 50% of the relationships with people I had. The first thing I remember being told after losing my son is that, people will surprise me. That has been one of the most accurate statements I have heard in my lifetime. I was also told that, people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. Again one of the most accurate statements I have heard. Me being the person I am, I didn’t want accept this fact, I didn’t want to lose relationships. I didn’t want people to treat me differently. I didn’t want them to ignore me or the fact that my child did exist. I was set on doing something so that I didn’t lose relationships, so that people would know how to approach me. I started my own break the silence journey, and then I heard about this movie that was coming out. Return to Zero, breaking the silence. I jumped feet first into that one. It was what I felt, “hey I will break the silence and let those around me know that a simple sorry is all it takes.” I figured that piggy backing off this film would help those around me know it isn’t just me that wants a change. There is an entire community that feels the way I do. Maybe if they don’t hear me they will hear someone else. I wanted these people to know that death isn’t contagious, they won’t catch it. I started my break the silence campaign. I started wanting to spread the word to those closest to me. I didn’t think I had unrealistic goals; I didn’t want to change the world, just change my world. I didn’t want to feel so alone and ostracized. I didn’t realize that, sadly my goals may just be unrealistic.

There are still about 35% to 40% of people in my life that have stepped up to the plate. Some surprisingly so, people I didn’t expect to come forward and give their love and support. These people I will always be grateful for. I cannot express to these people enough how much their thoughts have helped and how much them being there has meant to me. They vary from people I have known my entire life, a few years, and others that have just come into my life. Others that have been affected by the loss of a child, those that know all too well what I am talking about. I love that I have all of these people in my life. I love and am thankful to each and every one of them for the fact that they listen and are truly concerned. I love that these people know how debilitating grief can be and that it isn’t something you just get over and accept me through the ups and downs and all the moments in between. These people know that my sadness isn’t depression and know the difference between the two; they know that my words don’t make me a negative person, but that the situation sucks; those that accept the raw truth for what it is, negative at times, crappy and a hard to swallow reality. I just can’t help but want more people to accept these things, to open up their hearts and minds. I didn’t think it was too much to ask to have everyone in my life understand just a little bit.

I have made it a point to be totally open and honest with my feelings. To share, even though people out there feel that I am dwelling, being negative, depressed, or attacking them. Just to clarify… I am not attacking anyone. My thoughts are only my thoughts, they are my personal opinion, my way to try and hopefully educate those that don’t know what to do or say. I have hoped in doing so it would bring around those that have stayed away because they didn’t know what to say or do. Sadly it seems as if most in that group don’t want to be educated and are ok with cutting me out. I just had the desire and wish, to no longer be secluded. I just wanted so badly to keep some sense of normalcy. I lost my son, totally unfair, and as a side effect, I have lost many other relationships, in my campaign to break the silence.

It would be easier to stop the campaign... I have doubted myself many times along this journey. I have second guessed each and every remark I make. I don’t want to offend anyone and I definitely didn’t want to make myself unapproachable. Looking back and seeing that it has in fact done these things and more, makes me sad. I have debated many times about just staying silent myself, it would be easier. It would be easier at times to hide away in the background and tell my heart and my brain to accept that I cannot change things. To protect my heart from more rejection, to give up the hope that one day it may change and just accept how it is. I may just be beating a dead horse here, but I am a stubborn person. Most of me doesn’t want to give up. I don’t want to just accept that these relationships are gone for good. There are things that I cannot change, but there are things that I can work at having changed. No matter how hard it gets I will continue on my mission of breaking the silence. I am passionate about this; I want the silence to end. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I don’t want to pretend that my life hasn’t totally changed either. I may be more honest than some may want to have to deal with. But I will continue to speak out. I will continue to be 100% honest about how much this sucks! I am saddened that it may never produce the desired results for me and some of my relationships, but I do hope that in time when it happens to someone else, people will change how they react. I hope that eventually, no one will have to feel like they have some horrible plague and like they have been banished from society and the rest of the world. If it can help one person in my situation, I will accept that as success. I may have been unrealistic in thinking I could save all my relationships, but if it can reach one person out there that hasn’t experienced a loss and give them the knowledge they need to reach out to someone that just needs a friend, then it is worth it.

Please don’t be afraid of those that have lost a child. Don’t be afraid of me. The one thing I have learned from the majority of my new friends is we all agree that the silence is deafening. Really listen to what they are trying to say and just be there. Because saying sorry and giving a hug or acknowledgment is better than doing nothing at all.  

After 69 years.. Welcome Home!!

As a child I remember listening to my grandma talk about her Uncle Vernal. I can’t remember all the details of everything she said, but the thing I remember most was the fact that he flew a plane in WWII and that he never came home. As a young girl I didn’t quite get this concept, but as I got older I began to understand more when she would talk about him. I knew he was a young man that was on a bombing mission to Japan and that his plane went down. They couldn’t tell us if it went down over the ocean or into the jungle. The family believed that he went into the ocean and would never be found again.  As a child this just didn’t seem right to me. I remember always asking my Grandma if he could be found, if they could search the ocean? If there was something anyone could do? She talked of her Uncle and how well liked he was by everyone. “Everyone’s favorite.” She said the last time she saw him he was flying over Lindon when she was just a little girl, she was with her mom and Vernal tipped his wings. This was his way of saying hello. She eagerly waved "hi" back to him. When my grandma started having children of her own she was asked by her grandma (Vernal’s mother) to name her son after Vernal, as he would never have a namesake of his own. She was honored to do so.



The kids reading the last letter he wrote home for
Fox13 News.



As an adult I think back now on the stories and the legacy that was passed on through each generation and I am filled with wonder that such a man can impact so many people he never got to meet. I mean he is a great, great, great uncle to me and I can see how loved he was, even now, and still loved today. How can this one person still continue to impact us today? It has been 69 years since he went missing. March 12, 1944. Shortly before he went missing he wrote a letter home. Talking about how lonely it is, how the night sky is so deceiving with the war going on. In other letters, he spoke of the tent he called home and asked for everyone to write to him. In his words, “Letters are damn welcome.” I couldn’t imagine being away from home, off to war fighting for our freedom. I can bet that any tidbit of information from home was like Christmas for a young child.



Dog tags found in his tent and sent home.



Not long ago, I remember getting the information that they found his plane and a bone. They ran a DNA test against that of my aunt Elaine and it matched. How amazing is that? After so long HE HAD BEEN FOUND. Not in the ocean, but in the jungles of New Guinea. WOW! They found a leg bone near the plane that crashed, one bone, in the jungle and it was him. Crews were able to search around the wreckage and find more remains. They have not been able to search inside the plane due to a bomb still active. They hope in time they can deactivate the bomb and do some more searching. His co-pilot, gunner, Roy Davis is still missing in action. I pray that they can soon locate his remains and give his family the peace and closure we were able to receive.





Yesterday my family and I were privileged to welcome Uncle Vernal home. I cannot even begin to share with you the feelings that overwhelmed me as I watched the events unfold. We were shuttled out onto the runway. As we looked behind us we noticed the police escort. As we got off the bus and stood by watching the plane taxi toward the gate it too was given a police escort. There were fire trucks presenting a water canon over the plane as it came through. We were then shuttled to the gate where we saw many strangers watching at the windows, the airport employees standing with their hats off and hands over their hearts, military, retired and active saluting. Watching as a casket draped in an American Flag as it was carried by the honor guard into a waiting hearse. The feeling of knowing he is finally home, knowing that this was an event that I will not ever forget. Being able to share this with my own children, watching them be interviewed by news crews about the importance of what was going on; their understanding of what was unfolding. Having this overwhelming feeling that Uncle Vernal was there holding Jayden and watching us welcome his body home. The feelings were incredible, it was so very powerful. I am so thankful to those that worked hard to get him home. To those that didn’t accept the fact that he crashed into the ocean and wouldn’t give up.

In the windows you can see the strangers standing watching
them carry him from the plane.

There was a police escort from the airport to Springville where he will be laid to rest on Saturday with full Military Honors. As we were driving through Springville many people pulled over, got out of their cars and placed their hands on their hearts or saluted. Many people were standing on the side of the road waving flags and waving hello as we drove by. The kids sat and watched and asked why they were doing that. I was so proud to tell them that they were welcoming him home too. They were sharing with us in any way they could. That this hero finally has a resting place his family can visit him. It was such an amazing experience; I am blown away at the fact that there is still humanity in this world. I was telling my husband just recently how I have been disappointed in how people treat others, but yesterday, I saw hope and goodness in strangers. Best of all I was able to share it with my family, my children, we were able to witness an amazing event. A once in a lifetime event and witness the respect that one person can receive by hundreds that didn’t personally know him. That is the legacy I would love to be able to leave. That is the legacy that is worth leaving.

WELCOME HOME UNCLE VERNAL! THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING FOR OUR FREEDOM AND GIVING THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE! I LOVE YOU!!

Missing you both!

Words can’t describe exactly what I am feeling and wanting to say. I have noticed that expressing myself and my true feelings has become harder and harder.  I try to share my thoughts and feelings, but it doesn’t feel like I share what I am truly feeling deep down. Sometimes I hold back because people don't know how to handle the raw truth other times expressing such raw pain isn't even possible. If I could express myself clearly and accurately what would I say, how would others react? A hole in the heart doesn’t fill in, it is always there, but you learn to live around it. There will always be moments that come up and you are thrust into the hole again feeling the pain.

I’ve been working on an altered book, that is supposed to help express, in art, what I am truly feeling. We will see how that goes. I have had some help in realizing that with everything going on around me and my family I need to be the “Eye of the storm.” Do what I can to stay calm and keep peace within myself so that I can keep stability and calmness within my family, while the world, and things we cannot control, come through like tornados and toss us all around like rag dolls.  

8 years ago today, my sweet little niece left this earth. It was sudden and unexpected; an accident that forever changed our family. At 20 months old this sweet spirit was gone. No more laughter, and cute animal sounds. No more hearing her talk. I have said it before and I will say it again. Never getting the chance to hear her say my name is a huge regret I have. I was lucky enough at one point to dream of her a couple years back on my birthday. I heard her say my name in my dream, but being that it has been several years I don’t remember how it sounded. I remember her trying to say Teletubbies, butterfly or mimic all the animal sounds she could and laughing whenever she would “neigh” like a horse. I watch my sister (8) and daughter (10) who are best friends and love to play with each other and think that they are missing the third musketeer. I wonder if the three of them would be inseparable, just as the two are and being angry that she isn’t here, that we don’t get to know for sure. My sister and daughter talk about Alexis all the time, they ask about her constantly. I am so very thankful that they think of her as often as we do, especially since they never got the chance to know her while she was alive, but only through the memories the rest of us have. It just goes to show we can keep those we love alive through each of us.  

I remember the day I got the call very well. I remember going to the store and forgetting my cell phone at home. I remember thinking no big deal no one calls me anyway. I remember going home and having many missed calls and messages from my family and knowing something was wrong. I remember driving like crazy to get up to Primary Children’s Hospital. I remember the next 12 hours felt like an eternity and hurting and crying and being angry and wondering why. I felt like I lost more than a niece. She was a huge part of my life at the time. I remember my pain and feeling so horrible for my brother and his girlfriend. Knowing that their pain was worse than mine.  Even now, 8 years later I still remember her and that time like it was yesterday. Like 8 years hasn’t passed like she is frozen in time as that vibrant toddler so full of life, laughter and happiness.

I never thought I too would lose a child. I feel horrible in saying it, but I figured I experienced the loss of a child, loved one, once I wouldn’t have to go through it again. I lost a niece I could never lose a child. I knew what loss was so I felt invisible or untouchable to think it would happen to me. But it did. I didn’t get the memories with my own child that I got with Alexis. I wish like crazy that I got more memoreies of both of them. I feel like I am trying to watch a DVD, but instead of being able to push play I only get the menu options on repeat over and over again. Knowing there was an entire movie at my fingertips that will never be played out. I wish I could hear my own son make the animal sounds, call me mom, give me hugs. I wish I got the ability to write down his first tooth and haircut in his baby book. I wish that I got a photograph of his first smile, first steps. I wish I could hear his giggle, his cry. Instead I see an empty baby book. I remember a birth where the only sound was my husband and I crying holding our son praying for a miracle. I have photographs of his casket and the cemetery not of his crib and his nursery. I do have memories and photos of my son that I cherish daily and am thankful to have, but again they are limited and not nearly enough.

I remember finding out I was pregnant then going to the doctor and he told me my due date was 9/23/2013. My first thought was absolutely not. I will hold that baby in until the 24^th if I have to. But I will not give birth on the day Alexis died. I regret those thoughts. I would be more than happy to be in labor right now thinking of Alexis but being blessed with my own child. When I went back to the doctor he moved my date to 9/25/2013. I was happier then, but still not thrilled that it was so close to when Alexis died. Little did I know that things weren’t going to work out for me at all. Instead of going into labor and giving birth to a full term healthy baby boy in September, I gave birth to a tiny little boy to premature to live longer than 5 minutes in this world. I wish this day was a better one, I wish I was giving birth to my son. I wish this day held better memories, but instead, it is not just the day that is hard to get through but it is now the entire week. It is a week of reminders of what should have been but what will NEVER be.

Alexis and Jayden- I love you both like crazy. I miss you more than words could say. I wish you were both still here with me creating more memories for me to cherish. I will take the few memories I do have and I will continue to share them with others so that they will know you through me. I wish I could see you playing together here on earth with your cousins, aunt and siblings. I know you two are playing together in heaven watching over us. Some days that brings more comfort than others.  Children are not supposed to go before their parents. Sadly it happens more often than any of us could think. I love you both and can’t wait to give you great big hugs and kisses when I get the chance to see you again.

Our New Beginning

Life takes many twists and turns. We can't control what is thrown at us. We can, however, control how we react and handle the situations.

I am all to familiar with the roller coaster life and how it can be. In my last marriage there were ups and downs of course, but making that decision to finally call it quits.. Well I just felt like I was speeding down fast with no control wanting to get off the ride. If anyone has been through a divorce you know how emotionally exhausting it can be. Fighting over everything it seems, tearing each other apart even more than you did when you were married. Divorce isn't something you intend to happen, it is the final step in ending something that isn't working out. As I was going through the process of getting divorced I moved back home. For someone that has been on their own since 18 moving home was NOT exactly where I wanted to go, but funds were tight and I needed help to get back on me feet. I am so very thankful to have had that option and to have had the support from my parents.

Fast forward a little to that lovely thing we call dating. Last time I dated at this point was back in High School it is now about 10 years later. What a nightmare!! I hated dating! I enjoyed being single to tell you the truth. I got to do what I wanted, go where I wanted. It was only me spending my money and I had more of it than I ever had being married. I was able to start saving for trips and fun things. I had lost some weight and could buy cute, fun clothes, the only down side was the dating. Some dates I had been on were fun, good guys. But truthfully, It was hard to find one of the "good guys". The stories I could tell you in my short stint would be almost unbelievable. So I decided to not date and see what happened. Dating was almost as much if not more drama than my divorce.

My dad liked to give me a hard time asking me, "No more fish in the Sea?" I would laugh and say, "nope not tonight I am hanging with the family". My sister would complain that there were no more left overs to steal from the fridge. My mom, well I think she just enjoyed having me around. I hadn't hung out much with them the last couple of years so I was now making up for lost time. Around this time a friend was going through his own divorce, he had a couple kids and he needed help with them. I remember one occasion where he had a meeting that night and I was babysitting, but there was no food in the house so I made him take me to buy something for the kids. As we were leaving the store he made a remark about getting married again. I was blown away. I thought, here is this guy that is going through his own divorce, it is still raw, still fresh and he is thinking of getting married again? WOW!! Here I am its been awhile for me and I am thinking "HELL NO! Not getting married again EVER." I asked him how in the world could he even entertain the idea of getting married again after all he has been through. In his quiet little way he looked at me and said, "How can you not? I still want the dream they all talk about. The kids the loving wife with a home." Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit here, I can't remember the exact words, but that was the message that got across to me. I instantly shut up and on the ride back to his house I thought of his words. Of course thinking of what he was saying made me realize I would have to put on my big girl pants and go back out into the dating scene.

After chewing on the thought of dating again I decided to call up someone that had asked me out before. I figured If I was going to start dating again I wanted to control it better this time around. I wanted to start with someone I had dated before. We set up a date, then I cancelled. We set something else up and I cancelled again. I knew the reason was because I didn't want to go out with this guy. He was nice and kind, but he wasn't someone I saw a future with. Not that I was still sure on the thought of getting married again, but I didn't want to waste my time dating a different guy each week. My friend and I would talk about the different events going on in our life. We would seek advice from each other and turn to one another if we had a problem. In turn I think I watched his kids quite often. :) I started getting invited to his sons basketball games. One night after one of the games we were talking and the topic of us dating each other came up. We weren't sure if we should give it a shot considering our background. But the idea had been put out there. I wasn't against the idea just unsure how it would turn out. Kids were involved and it was one thing being there as a friend to help, but something entirely different to be there dating their dad. I didn't want to hurt them anymore than they had already been hurt. When I was dating in the past I knew that I would most likely be a step-mom, if I were to get married. The guys I was dating were in their 30's, divorced, kids. I didn't object to eventually being a step-mom I just figured the road was going to be more challenging than with someone else. My friend was a sweet, funny, kind guy and a total catch. I was blown away that he saw me as someone he would date. After throwing the idea around a few different times and weighing out the pro's and con's, we figured to give dating a try, but we would try it out on the down low at first. Wouldn't change things around much as far as the kids went. Because if it didn't work then only the two of us would know we even tried.

After dating for a little while we realized that we were more compatible than we had thought. So he decided to talk to the kids and see how they felt about me and if they would be opposed to us dating, we wanted to be able to do it openly. Hoping that they wouldn't object. From what I was told then they were both ok with it, I later found out his son had a few concerns at the time, not because of me, but because his dads attention was somewhere else. We did most our dating at home. With him having sole custody of his kids it made it difficult to take a group of 4 out anywhere. Not to mention, you can't do many of the adult things with children around. In turn it made those moments where it was just us that much more special. We never got to the point of taking our time for granted. We cherished and had fun when it was with the kids and cherished and loved the moments it was just the two of us. Our relationship kept progressing. There were still the trials that came up, outsiders that we had to deal with. The people that were unhappy about our relationship. It got rocky and tough from time to time, in the beginning the thought that, "maybe we should walk away" would come up, but we both didn't have the desire to walk away. We saw in each other what he had always hoped for in a partner. We didn't want the outside world to take that away from us. I later moved in with him and the kids. It took a bit of adjusting, but it went smoother than I thought it would. Like it had always been that way. Sometimes I felt like the outsider because of the bond and time they have had with one another. But I loved seeing the relationship between them. I didn't want that to change instead I just vowed to join them. I have noticed in a few different dynamics that the "new wife/husband" comes in and doesn't want to feel like the outsider so she/he will alienate the kids to make them be the outsider. This isn't always done intentionally, but sadly, sometimes it is. I didn't want to do this to them, but I wasn't going to remain an outsider, my sanity was at stake, so I had to find a way that worked for all of us to squeeze in and be part of the group without pushing anyone out. I think we have done a good job at making it work.

We built a house, the kids got to give some input with their rooms. Most importantly, we have made it a home for all of us. It may not have been the most conventional of starts, but I love my family. My friend and I became best friends and husband and wife. In the last 2 years I have fallen asleep every night in his arms and been able to wake up their too. I received a challenge when I was married before to write my ideal relationship and dreams down. Give myself a guideline/list of sorts to strive for and look for in a spouse/relationship. Not in the; he needs muscles, nice smile, money, kind of way, but in the, a home, a partnership, equality, love, kind of way. I didn't want to do the challenge, but I broke down and did it one night in the car as I was driving to escape the sadness I was feeling. My ideal relationship has now come true, we are always reminded by the list to be the best person we can be for ourselves and each other ways to build on what we have, ways to expand our dreams and reach for the stars!

With two beautiful, kind, caring kids and our own guardian angel looking out for us we will ride this roller coaster of life together through the parts where we are begging to get off the ride; to the parts where we want to ride again.

Choices, what do you choose?

I can't say exactly how many different times we have had the talk with the kids about choices and the good and bad consequences that follow any choice we make. In our family we feel it is very important that the kids know good things as well as bad things happen when making a choice.

For example: If you don't do you homework, then you get a bad grade, bad grades mean no play station, TV, friends etc.  If you do your homework and get good grades then there is some type of reward, money, ice cream, small object/toy.

Well this example works great during the school year, but it has been a battle this summer for the kids to stay on task and make good choices. It is extra difficult for them when they know at one house; my choices have benefits and consequences and at the other house, nothing. So naturally we always hear, "At mom's she doesn't say anything" or "Mom doesn't take away our Ipod or Xbox." We try to counter these things with examples of responsibility and how good choices benefit you in the long run and bad choices may seem good but only in the hear and now and the enjoyment is short lived. Not just with your standard, "Well you aren't at your Mom's house you are home at our house", that comes to mind and is so easy to fall back on, not to mention the response we are all sick of hearing.

Well our 11 year old was talking about luck the other day. He mentioned how my family is lucky and his mom's family isn't so lucky. I asked him to explain exactly what he meant by this. Trying to figure out exactly why he would think we were lucky. He said, "Your uncle is running for Mayor and mom's uncle lives in a trailer in the driveway." I took this as the perfect opportunity to again explain and reiterate choices; good and bad. I told him that, my Uncle chose to go to school and get good grades, follow the laws, take responsibility for his actions and ultimately try to do what was right in life. He had to work hard his entire life, not just take the easy way out of things and set goals for himself, now he has a home, and cars and is fulfilling a dream to run for Mayor. While his mom's uncle chose to not put in an effort at school, do drugs, take the easy way out, live off other people and has never had to be responsible for his choices or actions so he has very little in life and lives in the hear and now; What can I get today right now instead of what can I do to get something bigger and better if I work towards it.

Just want to clarify that, I don't say these things about his Mom's uncle to be cruel or anything. I do know him personally, and the things I said are fact and not things that I just assume or randomly come up with.

Well lately some more choices have been made that involves the kids and in turn has put a stress on them and our family. These recent choices made by someone have been yet another example we have been able to share with the kids. They used to try to blame everyone else for the things that happened. Never wanting to take accountability for their actions, always wanting to play the victim. Wanting someone else to "Make them Happy". Yes, they are still kids so they still try to play that role from time to time. But they are learning that their actions, their choices can mean a big difference in how things play out for them and that ultimately no one is responsible for their happiness but them.

Life is one big choice, we can chose to live it as a Victim, poor me, why me. I know how easy it can be to fall into one of those categories. I chose at one point to feel sorry for myself. To be sad and down, to think why me? Why my son? Why can so many parents have kids and chose to be cruel to them, to abuse, abandon, among other horrible unthinkable actions and yet my son was taken away? I don't wish harm on any child but I did feel that other people "deserved" to walk this hell more than I did. But one particular night after a busy hectic day of taking the kids on a hike and being surrounded by nature, as I was laying in bed I realized that my choice was to live. My choice was to take whatever I have been dealing with and try to learn all I can. Try to help others in any way that I can. But most importantly, I was going to live. I knew at that moment that I wanted to make more memories, to do more things have more wonderful family moments. That choice has been easy at times and harder at other times, but it is still the choice I chose! So I chose to live not as a Victim of my circumstances whatever they may be, but as a Survivor!

What is your choice?