Unapproachable

October is infant death awareness month. As a part of the awareness thing I have done many different things to try to get people to see that unfortunately child loss happens. So please, whatever you do don’t ignore those that it happens to. There is a community out there that has been trying to provide a voice to so many families. 1 in 4 families, in fact, will go through this horrible ordeal. I have been met with many obstacles along my journey. I have come to realize that more than 50% of the people out there don’t want anything to do with death. I can’t say that I blame them, who does? Unfortunately it happens, but because they want nothing to do with it I have lost more than 50% of the relationships with people I had. The first thing I remember being told after losing my son is that, people will surprise me. That has been one of the most accurate statements I have heard in my lifetime. I was also told that, people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. Again one of the most accurate statements I have heard. Me being the person I am, I didn’t want accept this fact, I didn’t want to lose relationships. I didn’t want people to treat me differently. I didn’t want them to ignore me or the fact that my child did exist. I was set on doing something so that I didn’t lose relationships, so that people would know how to approach me. I started my own break the silence journey, and then I heard about this movie that was coming out. Return to Zero, breaking the silence. I jumped feet first into that one. It was what I felt, “hey I will break the silence and let those around me know that a simple sorry is all it takes.” I figured that piggy backing off this film would help those around me know it isn’t just me that wants a change. There is an entire community that feels the way I do. Maybe if they don’t hear me they will hear someone else. I wanted these people to know that death isn’t contagious, they won’t catch it. I started my break the silence campaign. I started wanting to spread the word to those closest to me. I didn’t think I had unrealistic goals; I didn’t want to change the world, just change my world. I didn’t want to feel so alone and ostracized. I didn’t realize that, sadly my goals may just be unrealistic.

There are still about 35% to 40% of people in my life that have stepped up to the plate. Some surprisingly so, people I didn’t expect to come forward and give their love and support. These people I will always be grateful for. I cannot express to these people enough how much their thoughts have helped and how much them being there has meant to me. They vary from people I have known my entire life, a few years, and others that have just come into my life. Others that have been affected by the loss of a child, those that know all too well what I am talking about. I love that I have all of these people in my life. I love and am thankful to each and every one of them for the fact that they listen and are truly concerned. I love that these people know how debilitating grief can be and that it isn’t something you just get over and accept me through the ups and downs and all the moments in between. These people know that my sadness isn’t depression and know the difference between the two; they know that my words don’t make me a negative person, but that the situation sucks; those that accept the raw truth for what it is, negative at times, crappy and a hard to swallow reality. I just can’t help but want more people to accept these things, to open up their hearts and minds. I didn’t think it was too much to ask to have everyone in my life understand just a little bit.

I have made it a point to be totally open and honest with my feelings. To share, even though people out there feel that I am dwelling, being negative, depressed, or attacking them. Just to clarify… I am not attacking anyone. My thoughts are only my thoughts, they are my personal opinion, my way to try and hopefully educate those that don’t know what to do or say. I have hoped in doing so it would bring around those that have stayed away because they didn’t know what to say or do. Sadly it seems as if most in that group don’t want to be educated and are ok with cutting me out. I just had the desire and wish, to no longer be secluded. I just wanted so badly to keep some sense of normalcy. I lost my son, totally unfair, and as a side effect, I have lost many other relationships, in my campaign to break the silence.

It would be easier to stop the campaign... I have doubted myself many times along this journey. I have second guessed each and every remark I make. I don’t want to offend anyone and I definitely didn’t want to make myself unapproachable. Looking back and seeing that it has in fact done these things and more, makes me sad. I have debated many times about just staying silent myself, it would be easier. It would be easier at times to hide away in the background and tell my heart and my brain to accept that I cannot change things. To protect my heart from more rejection, to give up the hope that one day it may change and just accept how it is. I may just be beating a dead horse here, but I am a stubborn person. Most of me doesn’t want to give up. I don’t want to just accept that these relationships are gone for good. There are things that I cannot change, but there are things that I can work at having changed. No matter how hard it gets I will continue on my mission of breaking the silence. I am passionate about this; I want the silence to end. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I don’t want to pretend that my life hasn’t totally changed either. I may be more honest than some may want to have to deal with. But I will continue to speak out. I will continue to be 100% honest about how much this sucks! I am saddened that it may never produce the desired results for me and some of my relationships, but I do hope that in time when it happens to someone else, people will change how they react. I hope that eventually, no one will have to feel like they have some horrible plague and like they have been banished from society and the rest of the world. If it can help one person in my situation, I will accept that as success. I may have been unrealistic in thinking I could save all my relationships, but if it can reach one person out there that hasn’t experienced a loss and give them the knowledge they need to reach out to someone that just needs a friend, then it is worth it.

Please don’t be afraid of those that have lost a child. Don’t be afraid of me. The one thing I have learned from the majority of my new friends is we all agree that the silence is deafening. Really listen to what they are trying to say and just be there. Because saying sorry and giving a hug or acknowledgment is better than doing nothing at all.