Our New Beginning

Life takes many twists and turns. We can't control what is thrown at us. We can, however, control how we react and handle the situations.

I am all to familiar with the roller coaster life and how it can be. In my last marriage there were ups and downs of course, but making that decision to finally call it quits.. Well I just felt like I was speeding down fast with no control wanting to get off the ride. If anyone has been through a divorce you know how emotionally exhausting it can be. Fighting over everything it seems, tearing each other apart even more than you did when you were married. Divorce isn't something you intend to happen, it is the final step in ending something that isn't working out. As I was going through the process of getting divorced I moved back home. For someone that has been on their own since 18 moving home was NOT exactly where I wanted to go, but funds were tight and I needed help to get back on me feet. I am so very thankful to have had that option and to have had the support from my parents.

Fast forward a little to that lovely thing we call dating. Last time I dated at this point was back in High School it is now about 10 years later. What a nightmare!! I hated dating! I enjoyed being single to tell you the truth. I got to do what I wanted, go where I wanted. It was only me spending my money and I had more of it than I ever had being married. I was able to start saving for trips and fun things. I had lost some weight and could buy cute, fun clothes, the only down side was the dating. Some dates I had been on were fun, good guys. But truthfully, It was hard to find one of the "good guys". The stories I could tell you in my short stint would be almost unbelievable. So I decided to not date and see what happened. Dating was almost as much if not more drama than my divorce.

My dad liked to give me a hard time asking me, "No more fish in the Sea?" I would laugh and say, "nope not tonight I am hanging with the family". My sister would complain that there were no more left overs to steal from the fridge. My mom, well I think she just enjoyed having me around. I hadn't hung out much with them the last couple of years so I was now making up for lost time. Around this time a friend was going through his own divorce, he had a couple kids and he needed help with them. I remember one occasion where he had a meeting that night and I was babysitting, but there was no food in the house so I made him take me to buy something for the kids. As we were leaving the store he made a remark about getting married again. I was blown away. I thought, here is this guy that is going through his own divorce, it is still raw, still fresh and he is thinking of getting married again? WOW!! Here I am its been awhile for me and I am thinking "HELL NO! Not getting married again EVER." I asked him how in the world could he even entertain the idea of getting married again after all he has been through. In his quiet little way he looked at me and said, "How can you not? I still want the dream they all talk about. The kids the loving wife with a home." Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit here, I can't remember the exact words, but that was the message that got across to me. I instantly shut up and on the ride back to his house I thought of his words. Of course thinking of what he was saying made me realize I would have to put on my big girl pants and go back out into the dating scene.

After chewing on the thought of dating again I decided to call up someone that had asked me out before. I figured If I was going to start dating again I wanted to control it better this time around. I wanted to start with someone I had dated before. We set up a date, then I cancelled. We set something else up and I cancelled again. I knew the reason was because I didn't want to go out with this guy. He was nice and kind, but he wasn't someone I saw a future with. Not that I was still sure on the thought of getting married again, but I didn't want to waste my time dating a different guy each week. My friend and I would talk about the different events going on in our life. We would seek advice from each other and turn to one another if we had a problem. In turn I think I watched his kids quite often. :) I started getting invited to his sons basketball games. One night after one of the games we were talking and the topic of us dating each other came up. We weren't sure if we should give it a shot considering our background. But the idea had been put out there. I wasn't against the idea just unsure how it would turn out. Kids were involved and it was one thing being there as a friend to help, but something entirely different to be there dating their dad. I didn't want to hurt them anymore than they had already been hurt. When I was dating in the past I knew that I would most likely be a step-mom, if I were to get married. The guys I was dating were in their 30's, divorced, kids. I didn't object to eventually being a step-mom I just figured the road was going to be more challenging than with someone else. My friend was a sweet, funny, kind guy and a total catch. I was blown away that he saw me as someone he would date. After throwing the idea around a few different times and weighing out the pro's and con's, we figured to give dating a try, but we would try it out on the down low at first. Wouldn't change things around much as far as the kids went. Because if it didn't work then only the two of us would know we even tried.

After dating for a little while we realized that we were more compatible than we had thought. So he decided to talk to the kids and see how they felt about me and if they would be opposed to us dating, we wanted to be able to do it openly. Hoping that they wouldn't object. From what I was told then they were both ok with it, I later found out his son had a few concerns at the time, not because of me, but because his dads attention was somewhere else. We did most our dating at home. With him having sole custody of his kids it made it difficult to take a group of 4 out anywhere. Not to mention, you can't do many of the adult things with children around. In turn it made those moments where it was just us that much more special. We never got to the point of taking our time for granted. We cherished and had fun when it was with the kids and cherished and loved the moments it was just the two of us. Our relationship kept progressing. There were still the trials that came up, outsiders that we had to deal with. The people that were unhappy about our relationship. It got rocky and tough from time to time, in the beginning the thought that, "maybe we should walk away" would come up, but we both didn't have the desire to walk away. We saw in each other what he had always hoped for in a partner. We didn't want the outside world to take that away from us. I later moved in with him and the kids. It took a bit of adjusting, but it went smoother than I thought it would. Like it had always been that way. Sometimes I felt like the outsider because of the bond and time they have had with one another. But I loved seeing the relationship between them. I didn't want that to change instead I just vowed to join them. I have noticed in a few different dynamics that the "new wife/husband" comes in and doesn't want to feel like the outsider so she/he will alienate the kids to make them be the outsider. This isn't always done intentionally, but sadly, sometimes it is. I didn't want to do this to them, but I wasn't going to remain an outsider, my sanity was at stake, so I had to find a way that worked for all of us to squeeze in and be part of the group without pushing anyone out. I think we have done a good job at making it work.

We built a house, the kids got to give some input with their rooms. Most importantly, we have made it a home for all of us. It may not have been the most conventional of starts, but I love my family. My friend and I became best friends and husband and wife. In the last 2 years I have fallen asleep every night in his arms and been able to wake up their too. I received a challenge when I was married before to write my ideal relationship and dreams down. Give myself a guideline/list of sorts to strive for and look for in a spouse/relationship. Not in the; he needs muscles, nice smile, money, kind of way, but in the, a home, a partnership, equality, love, kind of way. I didn't want to do the challenge, but I broke down and did it one night in the car as I was driving to escape the sadness I was feeling. My ideal relationship has now come true, we are always reminded by the list to be the best person we can be for ourselves and each other ways to build on what we have, ways to expand our dreams and reach for the stars!

With two beautiful, kind, caring kids and our own guardian angel looking out for us we will ride this roller coaster of life together through the parts where we are begging to get off the ride; to the parts where we want to ride again.

Choices, what do you choose?

I can't say exactly how many different times we have had the talk with the kids about choices and the good and bad consequences that follow any choice we make. In our family we feel it is very important that the kids know good things as well as bad things happen when making a choice.

For example: If you don't do you homework, then you get a bad grade, bad grades mean no play station, TV, friends etc.  If you do your homework and get good grades then there is some type of reward, money, ice cream, small object/toy.

Well this example works great during the school year, but it has been a battle this summer for the kids to stay on task and make good choices. It is extra difficult for them when they know at one house; my choices have benefits and consequences and at the other house, nothing. So naturally we always hear, "At mom's she doesn't say anything" or "Mom doesn't take away our Ipod or Xbox." We try to counter these things with examples of responsibility and how good choices benefit you in the long run and bad choices may seem good but only in the hear and now and the enjoyment is short lived. Not just with your standard, "Well you aren't at your Mom's house you are home at our house", that comes to mind and is so easy to fall back on, not to mention the response we are all sick of hearing.

Well our 11 year old was talking about luck the other day. He mentioned how my family is lucky and his mom's family isn't so lucky. I asked him to explain exactly what he meant by this. Trying to figure out exactly why he would think we were lucky. He said, "Your uncle is running for Mayor and mom's uncle lives in a trailer in the driveway." I took this as the perfect opportunity to again explain and reiterate choices; good and bad. I told him that, my Uncle chose to go to school and get good grades, follow the laws, take responsibility for his actions and ultimately try to do what was right in life. He had to work hard his entire life, not just take the easy way out of things and set goals for himself, now he has a home, and cars and is fulfilling a dream to run for Mayor. While his mom's uncle chose to not put in an effort at school, do drugs, take the easy way out, live off other people and has never had to be responsible for his choices or actions so he has very little in life and lives in the hear and now; What can I get today right now instead of what can I do to get something bigger and better if I work towards it.

Just want to clarify that, I don't say these things about his Mom's uncle to be cruel or anything. I do know him personally, and the things I said are fact and not things that I just assume or randomly come up with.

Well lately some more choices have been made that involves the kids and in turn has put a stress on them and our family. These recent choices made by someone have been yet another example we have been able to share with the kids. They used to try to blame everyone else for the things that happened. Never wanting to take accountability for their actions, always wanting to play the victim. Wanting someone else to "Make them Happy". Yes, they are still kids so they still try to play that role from time to time. But they are learning that their actions, their choices can mean a big difference in how things play out for them and that ultimately no one is responsible for their happiness but them.

Life is one big choice, we can chose to live it as a Victim, poor me, why me. I know how easy it can be to fall into one of those categories. I chose at one point to feel sorry for myself. To be sad and down, to think why me? Why my son? Why can so many parents have kids and chose to be cruel to them, to abuse, abandon, among other horrible unthinkable actions and yet my son was taken away? I don't wish harm on any child but I did feel that other people "deserved" to walk this hell more than I did. But one particular night after a busy hectic day of taking the kids on a hike and being surrounded by nature, as I was laying in bed I realized that my choice was to live. My choice was to take whatever I have been dealing with and try to learn all I can. Try to help others in any way that I can. But most importantly, I was going to live. I knew at that moment that I wanted to make more memories, to do more things have more wonderful family moments. That choice has been easy at times and harder at other times, but it is still the choice I chose! So I chose to live not as a Victim of my circumstances whatever they may be, but as a Survivor!

What is your choice?

The Ladybug for Mother's Day

I'd like to share a poem that I wrote. To some you may have seen it already on my facebook. But first a little background information.

Mother's Day 2012 was what I consider to be my first Mother's Day, however I was not recognized as a mother to anyone. My husband and I weren't married at that time. But, we were living together and I had been helping him raise his two children for close to a year at that time. On this day though they are legally required to go to the biological mom as per the state statute. Don't get me wrong I understand that she is their biolgical mom and should spend time with them. But, I'll admit It was hard watching them leave. It hurt, knowing I am not their biological mom, yet still doing all the things for them a mom does, with no recognition from the kids, or anyone else at that time, because I wasn't technically a step-mom yet and because I didn't give birth to them. I didn't blame the kids though. There was no recognition from the adults and if they adults dont recognize something then the kids aren't likely to either. I was heart broken. My first Mother's day was a dud and I dreaded from that moment the next mother's day fearing it would be the same.

Then I got pregnant and I was figuring hey now that I will have my own biological child the state can't make me give him up to spend mother's day with someone else. It still sucked that the two kids I was helping raise would not be around yet again and I would have to watch them go off for the day wishing we could celebrate together as a family, but I would have one child to celebrate with at least. It is hard to watch half of your family leave on certain issued Holiday's because the state mandates it. However, that is a different post at a different time. Anyway, I finally was starting to think Mother's Day wasn't all bad I would have at least one child with me. But, my little boy was in a hurry and came to soon. And I had to watch him grow his wings. My son Jayden was born and died April 26th, 2013. I then had to go through another Mother's Day feeling yet again that I wouldn't be recognized. A week later we buried him The week after that was Mother's Day. This time I did not want to even acknowledge that day even existed. I wanted to hide away in my room and not come out. The one child that the state couldn't have spend Mother's Day with someone else and "take" away God did. I didn't want to deal with the pain of not having any of my children around me to celebrate with me. I didn't want to sit around hearing everyone else be wished a Happy Mother's Day. I didn't want to see all the sweet poem's and posts to everyone else. Mother's Day was celebrated originally for a mom that had lost one of her children to honor her for her loss. It has now been commercialized to the brink to honor moms with living, biological children, while so many other mom's, like Step Mom's, Angel mom's, women who struggle with infertility watch and wish they could join in on the festivities.

However, Travis and his family didn't allow me to wallow in my self pity. They knew the kids would leave on Sunday as the law stated. So they got together and planned a celebration on Saturday. They knew this year would be even harder than the year before. So they did all they could to help ease the ache and the pain. My sister-in-law had heard about people getting a tree planted in memory of their angel and passed along the idea to my husband and his parents. My in-law's bought me a tree. My father-in-law took us down to pick it out. We had always wanted to plant a Japanese Maple tree in our yard. We hadn't gotten around to landscaping it as we moved in last winter. So our tree would be our first item in our new yard. We picked a spot and I watched as my poor father-in-law and husband dug through the hard clay to plant this tree in honor of our son. I went in to get our camera so I could take photos. I was overwhelmed at the kindness and love shown to me. As I was taking pictures of my new tree a ladybug landed on me. I had always heard ladybugs were good luck, but I never thought to look much further than that tidbit of information I stored away from long ago. I gently coaxed the ladybug onto a leaf of the tree and took a picture of it. Several times since, I have seen ladybugs while I am outside doing different things. Sometimes when I am out looking at my tree having a hard time and trying to get a moment alone to talk to my son or at the store seeing a little boy running around with frazeled parents chasing him. I finally decided to research a little and find out exactly what the ladybug symbolized. I took what I learned and wrote this poem.

I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support they have shown. I can not believe how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family which has now been blessed and made more wonderful by the great in laws I have inherited. They have truly added to my life!

A "Real" Mom

Being the "step-mother" I have heard on many occasions that, "I am not a real mom, I am just a step-mom." because I didn't give birth to them. But then when I do give birth to a baby I am told I am not a "real" mom because my baby died. Well here is a little something of what I have to say about that. A mom is love! Bottom line. Let children know love! Isn't that what life is all about? Knowing love, being loved, loving someone and "Children know that when you act in love, you are acting on their behalf.-Hicks" So remember that when you are labeling people on what a "real" vs "not real" mom is that it comes down to love...

I am a “Real” mom. I have 3 amazing children. Two, of which, I love without giving birth to them but because I chose them. Some may think they aren’t my kids and I am not their mom because of this, but let me tell you something… Never have I once heard a child say, “My mom is the best because she gave birth to me.”

What can you all remember about your own mothers?

I remember the late night talks, the help with homework, comforting me when I am sad or angry. Helping me in any way she can, taking in my friends and loving them as her own, showing me that blood doesn’t make a family, but the heart does. I remember her fighting and standing up for me and others, when injustice has been done. Most of all I remember feeling and knowing her love. I remember her never hiding her love from me, I remember never questioning if she loved me or not. And I remember never having to worry that if I was bad or wrong her love would go away.

Those among other things I will do and will try to do for my children. I help with their homework, go to their schooling events. I know their friends and encourage them to make more. I comfort them when they are sick. I wipe the tears from their eyes; tears that they should NEVER have to cry. I see their hurt and their pain and want to take it away. I love them even though they are not my “blood”. Being “blood or biological” doesn’t automatically mean love, nor does it mean you can’t love. I want to show them what love is and that you can love with all your heart and the more you love the fuller your heart becomes. That you can love and be loved by many people and it is ok. That my love does not come with strings and no matter what they do it will always be there, I will always be there.

My 3rd child is my angel. He didn’t get to live long here on this earth. He is the one I gave birth to but don’t get to raise or hold in my arms. I miss him dearly every day. He is helping me be the best possible mom I can be to his brother and sister. I wish he were here to know his mother’s love. But in all honesty I know he knows my love, he knows my love more than I do. He has a deeper understanding of love than I could ever have. I wish he were here for me... So I could know his love.

I am a “real” mom; although my situation is unique I am a mom to 3 children whom I love dearly. No matter how hard it gets I will shower my children with love in every way I know how. I will show them my unconditional love and what that means. My hope and ultimate wish in this life is that they will grow with love and compassion for others. That they will know how to show and accept love and maybe one day I will hear the words I have longed to hear… “I love you too, Mom!”

My amazing family!