Holiday's seem to be the sore spot for angel mom's everywhere. I am no exception. However, what did surprise me most was the fact that I struggled with Halloween. I grew up in a home where Halloween wasn't a big deal, so I have never cared really to celebrate it or dress up. I probably stopped dressing up younger than most kids. It wasn't until just a couple years ago that I finally started to do more with Halloween. I won't lie it was when my step kids came into my life. I finally had a reason to try to get into the spirit. Helping them pick out a costume or get ready for the school parade, volunteering for their class parties. Those types of things. This year however, I started to plan for Halloween back in March. Which to me came as a total shock. Being pregnant and thinking of all the firsts I would be able to do with my own child. The things I missed out on before. I started browsing and looking for costumes for a new born. I was excited to do a theme costume this year with everyone. What could I do? I felt silly for searching so early, but I wanted to be prepared and make sure I could get what I needed to in time. I saw so many cute outfits for babies. There were so many ideas that would be fun. But I knew that my angel would be just over a month old and didn't know if he was a girl or a boy at that time either. I then saw this cute little jumper and thought it would be perfect. It is gender neutral, and looked comfortable and appropriate for a new born. Not to mention we could easily have done the perfect theme for our family.
I was really looking forward to being able to do something as a family this year. Then Jayden grew his angel wings. I no longer would get the chance to dress him up in his "prison jumpsuit." I tried to ignore the fact that Halloween would be coming. Then it came time to buy pumpkins and do they seasonal activities. Time to hang up decorations, carve pumpkins and buy costumes for our other kids. I put on my brave face and started to look with them and help them decide what they wanted to be. We carved our pumpkins and I wanted to carve one for Jayden. I wanted so badly to include him someway without bringing everyone else down. The kids figured out what they wanted to be and we went to get their costumes. It was bittersweet when they decided to do things completely different than each other. No themed costumes for us this year. 
I can't deny that it was a struggle to go out and trick-or-treat. It was a struggle to still be excited about Halloween. It was tempting to just stay home and not take the other two kids out this year, to let someone else do it. As a parent to an angel child it is hard to do the family things knowing that your family isn't whole. That you are missing someone. Yet, because there are other children depending on you, you don't have very many choices; you either chose life and continue forward, or you chose death and stop living and celebrating which then affects not only you, but everyone around you. I wrote before that I chose life. So, I celebrated Halloween with the kids. I think they both looked great in their costumes. We had a good time taking them out to Grandma and Grandpa's to go trick-or-treating on 4-wheelers, a new experience for them. They also made out a little to well with all the candy. But that is just a matter of opinion I guess, to them I don't think they could have gotten enough candy.
Now that Halloween is behind us, I have been hit full force with the other holiday's. I hadn't thought much about them until now. I don't know if it was survival instinct or what. The reminder of family every time you turn around. Holiday's, that are about family, family gatherings, dinners, parties, Christmas gifts for children, Santa Claus. More reminders that our family isn't complete and that someone is missing.
Thanksgiving, the time to be thankful. Yes, I know I have plenty to be thankful for, and I am. But, again there is that hole that makes me want to just feel sorry for myself. To act like it is just another day. Although part of me does feel that it is just another day. With everything that has happened I look at my life and am thankful for so much daily. It isn't just one day a year or one month to find thanks in what I have been given. But to look through the rubble and the darkness and find thanks in everything that has "picked" me back up again, that has given me hope in life and to everyone that has shown me love. If I didn't find these things daily or even hourly I would have stopped living a long time ago. I lost my son, but God gave me a gift in his place. It doesn't erase the hurt, it doesn't make me miss him any less, but I feel as if I have been given the opportunity to look at things differently. Like walls have been torn down and I can see more, see some things more clearly. That I can show compassion and give everything I have for others not for myself but to make my son proud.
Christmas, "Baby's 1st Christmas." My baby never got a first Christmas. I will never see his eyes light up at all the Christmas lights. I will never see him trying to play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree or unwrapping his very first Christmas presents. Christmas every Angel mom's nightmare. The time where all is supposed to be good in the world. Where people show their kindness and help others. This season that has always been my favorite. The spirit of Christmas, it has been the message I have tried to show my family. Not the receiving of gifts, but the giving. It is the topic of conversations throughout every support group. How do we survive the holidays? I will never see my son enjoy that spirit. But I will get to enjoy his spirit during this time, I know he will be with us as we celebrate this season so not only do I get the spirit of Christmas. I get the spirit of Jayden too.
Last Christmas we started some new family traditions. This year I am expanding on our traditions and wanting to do so much more. I am probably biting off more than I can chew at this time, but to me being able to be busy and do service projects for others is my way of giving back. Is my way of honoring Jayden. Is my way of trying not to dwell on the fact that he is gone, but the ability to do everything I can in his name to give him is 1st Christmas and one he would be proud of. Is my way of sharing his spirit with everyone I can.
Stay tuned for the next blog post please. I will be sharing my ideas with everyone on our way to keep Jayden's spirit alive this Christmas.
